Good Ones

7/22/2015  The short play below has been slightly altered and entered into a contest.  It is now a finalist for The Actors Theatre of Louisville 2015 Heideman Award.  I'll leave the first half of it here until the contest results are in.  Thanks for reading!  

MIRANDA:  What are you doing?

CHLOE:  Feeding the fish.    

MIRANDA:  That’s gross.

CHLOE:  Not if the fish eat it.

MIRANDA:  Your toenails?  Chloe!

CHLOE:  You don’t know.

MIRANDA:  I know.  Gimmee a sandwich will ya?

CHLOE:  Beef or tuna?

MIRANDA:  You brought tuna to the beach?

CHLOE:  What is that wrong, like politically incorrect to the fish?

MIRANDA:  No, it just, sounds gross.  Tuna salad in the sun for a couple of hours?

CHLOE:  But beef in the sun is better?  It’s what they had at the café.

MIRANDA:  Just give me the chips.

CHLOE:  (Looking)  I don’t … see… any potato chips.

MIRANDA:  (Takes the paper bag from Chloe)  I didn’t get potato chips.  They’re terrible for you.

CHLOE:  They’re good for me.

MIRANDA:  No, they’re not.  Here try these.

CHLOE:  What are they?

MIRANDA:  Kale chips.

CHLOE:  Kale?

MIRANDA:  Yes.

CHLOE:  On vacation at the beach?

MIRANDA:  Am I insulting the seaweed?

CHLOE:  You’re insulting my taste.

MIRANDA:  You have no taste.

CHLOE:  Kale chips have no taste.  I have cravings.

MIRANDA:  Chocolate?

CHLOE:  You brought chocolate to the beach?

MIRANDA:  No; I’m just trying to get to the bottom of your desires.

CHLOE:  I desire chips.

MIRANDA:  I brought chips!

CHLOE:  Why are we here?  You’ve paid for flights and hotel rooms and fancy dinners.  What did you want to talk about on the shores of Saint Maartin?  Not toenails and kale I presume?

 

MIRANDA:  Correct.  Neither.  Gross.  I just wanted to see how you’re doing.

CHLOE:  I’m fine.

MIRANDA:  I don’t believe you.

CHLOE:  I’m fine; you’re the one who’s not fine.

MIRANDA:  That’s true.

CHLOE:  Want to talk about it?

MIRANDA:  I guess.  But I want you to tell me you’re not fine either.

CHLOE:  Okay, I’m not fine either.

MIRANDA:  I knew it!

CHLOE:  Oh, please, I’m fine!

MIRANDA:  No, you are just in the habit of saying that and getting away with it because most people don’t push you.  Most people don’t push.

CHLOE:  You push.

MIRANDA:  How’s your boob?

CHLOE:  Still hanging on.

MIRANDA:  Good.

CHLOE:  Hasn’t fallen off yet.

MIRANDA:  Okay.

CHLOE:  Hasn’t turned blue or black or yellow.

MIRANDA:  Excellent.

CHLOE:  But it’s got all those lumps in it; do you think that’s bad?

MIRANDA:  Don’t joke.

CHLOE:  Lighten up.

MIRANDA:  You look so normal.

CHLOE:  What did you expect?

MIRANDA:  I expected your hair to be gone and your skin to be pale.  And maybe, like 20 pounds underweight.

CHLOE:  Mmm, chemo, the great weight-loss secret everybody’s trying.

MIRANDA:  But you look just like you always do.

CHLOE:  Yes.  Cancer doesn’t make your hair fall out; chemo does.

MIRANDA:  And you don’t need chemo?

CHLOE:  That’s debatable.

MIRANDA:  But you’re not on it?

CHLOE:  You don’t go “on” chemo, like Zoloft, or Phen phen.  Chemo happens to you.  In you. 

MIRANDA:  Okay, so you’re not undergoing chemo?

CHLOE:  No.

MIRANDA:  Will you have to eventually?

CHLOE:  Nope.

MIRANDA:  So, what do you do?

CHLOE:  Basically just maintain a good pedicure and catch up on Downton Abbey.

MIRANDA:  I mean, what happens next?

CHLOE:  Death?

MIRANDA:  Yes, but before death?

CHLOE:  I hope a lot more of this.  Why did I wait so long to travel?  

Stay tuned.  The complete play will be back after the results of the contest are announced..........!

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